Life is just a collection of choices you make. One after another, resulting in where you are. Happiness.. is that a choice?
Every choice comes with consequences. Upsides and downsides. Get a bit more independence, a little less security. A bit more adventure, a little less comfort. Can't have it all. Like a series of IF statements, a giant balancing act, a Sims game - each step results in +++ or ---, except there are tons of combinations and the rules are a lot less clear.
Can you see what your choice will lead to in 5 or 10 years? If you want something so badly, do you consider what it'll mean for the other parts of your life?
A lot of us make similar choices. Expats. Travellers. Immigrants. Wanting something different. To escape the "ordinary" life. To see different places, people. And when we succeed, what's there?
Feeling like you are never quite home. Like you are visiting. An outsider. Not from here. Not from anywhere.
Getting to know people. Friends. Always friends, never family. Nobody who knows you for longer than a couple of years. Nobody who witnessed your silliness at 7, awkwardness at 14, your childhood hobbies, your history.
Feeling like you are unattached. Floating. Without a "home base". Alone. In a room full of people.
Craving home, craving connection, craving to feel like you fit in and accepted for who you are. After a while you start to think you had it all, back then, before you left.
And then holidays give you a great opportunity. You go back to visit. People around the table, regular conversations, familiarity.
It only took you 5 days. And you remember it all. Remember the boredom, the predictability, the expectations of you. Remember feeling like a misfit for not wanting what "normal" people want.
And you pack your bags. Leave early in the morning, on the way to the airport. Like so many times before. The air is cold and crisp, the streets are silent. You probably won't be able to outrun yourself. But the trick is just to keep moving.